January 27 2014

Writing Attempt: Free Write Prose/The Reveal

 

I’ve been moving through life recently with a brain addled by depression. I hate using that word because it is problematic in many ways especially considering its somewhat ambiguous meaning. I also don’t like to use this word because I have never really been properly diagnosed or even diagnosed with the same mood disorder twice. My two best friends in high school called it being a sensitive soul and an artist. The sweet group of women who ran the Alvarado Clinic program for eating disorders said it was bulimia nervosa with possible depressive states effected by my lack of nutrition. The therapist intern still getting her degree told me it was mainly my anger towards my father, lack of emotional skills to cope with sadness and disappointment and made me ‘open up’ to him in a joint session. My post high school boyfriend just called me crazy and a slut. My Chicago boyfriend called it being an alcoholic, then called the cops. The tiny, cold handed nurse in the Chicago emergency room who wouldn’t look me in the eye and spoke about me in third person only wrote ‘possibly suicidal or just depressed’ on the hospital forms that bought me a ticket to ride fully strapped down to a state institution. The team of faceless, nameless psychologists at the state run institution declared that bi-polar disorder with bouts of psychosis was my crime and gave me Zyprexa every morning at 8am from a tiny plastic cup. David Sedaris doppelganger, Dr. Bear, believed it was a borderline personality I suffered from but never committed to that diagnosis, only to the prescription of Zoloft and Lamictal with a Xanax back. My Chicago girlfriend called it manic depression. The man I invested 4 years of my talent to called it a result of trauma from abuse. The semi-strangers I chat with when I go out to write just say ‘depressed’. My Significant Other lovingly calls it “Low” and asks if I am feeling that way. Wikipedia calls it major depressive disorder. I call it self-destruction.

-ClassyBiped




I'm still thinking about this/working on this. May or may not post more if I write more.