February 9 2014

Writing Attempt: Journal/Blogging

 

Snow days – like any free days are a blessing and a curse. When I have too much time to myself, I begin to think and when I begin to think I begin to either become:

a)    Anxious

b)    Existential

c)    Depressed

d)    Enraged                                              (To be honest, I usually hit a-h within the day)

e)    Annoyed

f)     Vengeful

g)    Numb

h)    Ecstatic

 

Anxious: I exist in a worry about something that is out of my control. Today, I had a nightmare about my brother’s wedding that could be summed up like this – I was naked or in a dress that didn’t fit me, while simultaneously being shamed and degraded by my family members for not having children of my own yet having opinions about LITERALLY ANYTHING.

Existential: I woke up so incredibly exhausted from said dream that after I had brushed, peed and drank a cup of water, I passed out on the sofa. (Within the 10 minutes that this took, I had already questioned the meaning of my life, my cat’s, the girl downstairs’, replayed every death I’ve experienced and compared my life to literally everyone I’ve ever known coming up with the (often) hypothesis that I am absolutely worthless.

Depressed: I fell asleep to the sound of ice cracking and sliding off the roof. I felt drunk or drugged and the cat rushed in to sit on my head and knead my thoughts away. Instead I cried and the cat left. I thought about every tiny imperfection on my body. I realized that even the cat knows. Even he can’t b around me when I am this way. When I am a self-loathing me. I grabbed my belly and shook it in anger. I fell asleep. I grabbed my arms and shook them with anger. I fell asleep. I listened to the wind and public radio mingle like folks at a ten year reunion and cried. I heard a story about a group of nuns who were part of an important study in neuroscience highlighting the fact that the reason they were chosen was the fact that nuns are some of the most healthy specimens on the planet. I thought about this, understood it. Felt shame. Then cried.

Enraged: I’m sorry I can’t pay my student loan at a bigger rate! Why the hell is this place always so dirty! Why is it that I can’t have a decent apartment for once! Why can’t I be seen as a legitimate artist in this town! Why does the cat think it’s the most important entity in room! Why must I be the one to clean up after every entity in my apartment! Why can’t I just relax and be okay with my life! Why am I unable to fulfill the goals I have for myself!

Annoyed: Oh my god. Stop. Stop, world. I need some control and you are not letting me have it.

Vengeful: Thank you for showing me you are happy and pretending you are of sound mind and body. Next time I see you I will tell you all the reasons your narcissism makes others feel terrible about themselves and put you in your place.

Numb: I’ll never be able to speak up. Instead I am going to take these tweezers and spend an hour trying to get my chin whisker out.

Ecstatic: I have put on pants. I have put on mascara. I have agreed to go out to have something to eat. I have had tea/coffee/or a beer and am rambling and excited about the new thing I want to accomplish – tomorrow.

 

 

           

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Time to watch some Firefly and sleep.
ClassyB